Crazy Beer Inquiries – A Year End Rant

December 30, 2011

One of the things ‘real’ blogs are supposed to have is a contact form.  We have one here at The Brew Club (its real snazzy, go check it out!) but more often than not I get requests that are so bizarre I wonder if its worth having.  If anything, I get a good laugh from time to time and thought I’d share as a fun way to wrap up 2011!

A long time ago, I used to post interesting beer search queries from our weblogs and ponder their meaning.  Things like “Turkey Flavored Beer” and “Beer Death” made me scratch my head.

Maybe I’ll do that again, but for now, let me give you some examples of what I’ve gotten in The Brew Club inbox this year.  I didn’t reply to these queries (explained why below) but my thoughts are italicized.  These messages are copied and pasted directly from my inbox.  Here we go!

“do you have yeast in your blue moons, if so what is the diff between bottled and draft, how much yeasts or live yeast is in the draft versus the bottle”

My first thought is “Huh?” We don’t sell it, brew it, or know ‘how much yeasts’ are in the draft vs. the bottle.  Sorry!  Also, you should be paying me for having to translate your gibberish into English.

“I purchased a case of Tecate and the cans have debris in the beer. I opened several cans and found white fiberous material in every can I opened.  I do not have the carton that the beer came in but I would like to be compensated for this purchase.”

I don’t even know where to start.  I’d hate to say it, but if you are anything BUT disappointed in a case of Tecate, in ANY condition I’d be shocked!  (Except maybe for you.)  Moving on to the issue at hand – did you even think about bringing your “fiberous” beer back to the place you bought it?  Most places would consider an exchange for bad beer. I’m quite sure you’d like to be compensated for your unwise beer purchase, but let me guess.  Not only did you pitch the carton and probably the purchase receipt, but you likely opened EACH can to check for fibers, right?  I’m guessing “several cans” = “all of them”.  Right?  Riiiiight? 

“i was wondering if you had any free things as in samples or shirts or mug holders anythng with budlight lime on it that i could wear or show anything is appreciated, (name and address deleted) thank you, im a fan of budlight lime.”

Well that’s just great!  This person sends their home address to me asking for free Bud Light Lime junk.  Hmmmm.  Folks, try your beer store, local bar, or get in touch with the local beer distributor.  They sometimes have free swag or are tossing promotional stuff that they’d probably be happy to give away.  Better yet, make something unique for yourself by making a cardboard hat with the Bud Lite Lime box and stick it on your pinhead.  Maybe the guy from the next question can help.

“Bought a 12 pack of Bud Lite Lime today.
Love the beer, hate the package. The handle ripped out of the box in my garage, dropped and broke 4 bottles. What a mess. Again, love the beer, hate your box!!!!”

Sorry to hear that bro, but its NOT MY BOX! I didn’t design the damn Bud Lite Lime box, and I’m not sure what thoughts (if any) crossed your mind that would allude to that idea.  We REVIEW BEERS.  That’s barely it!  Does anything on this site make you think we are an engineering firm that designs such items as beverage packaging?

Did you ever think of going back to the store that you bought it from and complain to them?  They actually have a relationship with the beer distributor and other people who (after laughing at you) might be able to help in some way.  Or, (after laughing at you) they may take pity on your sorrowful self and give you a brand new cardboard beer carrier so you feel better!

All I can think is that the beer Gods were somehow trying to help you by destroying your precious Bud Light Lime before you could put it into your body.

Here’s a great email that I got from ‘Edward’ recently.  The subject was “freshness”, and the email message only contained “stock number 611509“.  No brand, no name, no anything.  Sorry dude, but I’m not a mind-reader so I can’t really help you here.  Maybe its the number of the beast?

Also, many requests come in asking about distributing a particular brand to some foreign country, information on proprietary brewing practices, and also a lot of  ‘do you ship this beer’ type questions, or “I’m in LA, do you know where I can find Miller Lite?”.  Arrrrggggg!

Or another regarding The Brew Club’s secret Southeast Asian  Chang Beer distribution empire…

“Dear Sir.,

May I know your direct whole sale shop in border line of Thai and Myanmar. I prefer Ya Naung . I want to distribute in the whole myanmar .”

Sorry man, I pulled my Southeast Asian beer wholesale business out of there in the 80′s.

Finally, here’s an example of top-shelf e-mail marketing at its finest!  Direct from my inbox, I’m not sure how anyone can turn these people down when it comes to promotions!

“Heyy well wee are ahh danciing/ partty cliik from Watsonviille Ca. && we Wud liike to represent Your beer, Wee are well known & Wee can make your beer more famous.” That was sent from LasChikasTeactes & LosTecates if you want to look them up for some reason.  I sort of refuse to do business with people who consistently spell the word “WE” wrong.  I mean, its two letters right?  W and E.  I’d be surprised if they spelled the word “I” correctly.

And another…

“my name is bobby … ……, i am a singer/songwriter, i may have the perfect jingle, for tecate beer——-send me your mailing address——thank you  bobby … ……”

I’m out of answers here.

Here’s actually why I’m so annoyed.  The fact is, being a good netizen or webizen or whatever the hell its called, I used to answer ALL of these types of inquiries.  All of them. If I didn’t know, I would try pointing people in the right direction.

The problem is, ONLY ONE PERSON replied and said thanks for the tip.  Only one person!  What’s with that?  Not only are many of the inquiries an abomination of the thought-process in the first-place, but then, when someone takes the time to respond and you can’t even bother with a ‘thanks’, even if spelled “thancz”, well, that just makes my day.

So, from now on, I think I’m going to collect the most vapid inquiries we receive and put them into a post like this for the year-end!  I’m having more fun dealing with the questions this way, and I find it cathartic as well.  Maybe you got a chuckle too, and so it was all worth it!

And what about you?  Do you have any wacky questions that you would like me to answer?  Post them below in the comments and I’ll take a crack at it!  Oh, and have a Happy 2012, and thanks for stopping by!

The Brew Club crew.

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